Values

“What are your values?”

If your mind goes to words like “integrity” and “family” and “hard work” - pause. Those might be your values. They might also be what you think you’re supposed to say.

Most people, when asked about values, list aspirations or social expectations. They describe who they want to be, not who they actually are.

Real values are descriptive, not aspirational. They’re revealed by how you actually spend your time and energy, not by what you claim to prioritize.

The revealed preferences test

Economists have a concept called “revealed preferences” - the idea that what people actually choose shows what they actually want, regardless of what they say they want.

Your values work the same way.

You say you value health, but you haven’t exercised in months. You say you value relationships, but you cancel plans to work late. You say you value creativity, but you spend your free time consuming, not creating.

This isn’t a moral judgment. It’s information.

The gap between stated values and revealed values tells you something. Either:

You’re living out of alignment with what you care about (a problem to address)
You don’t actually value what you think you do (a belief to update)

Both are useful to know.

How to find your real values

Look at your calendar and bank statements. Where does your time and money actually go? Not where you wish it went - where it goes. This is what you’re prioritizing in practice.

Notice what makes you angry. Anger often signals a violated value. If you get furious when people are late, you probably value respect or efficiency. If you get angry at injustice, you value fairness. Your irritations are clues.

Notice what you can’t stop doing. Even when it’s inconvenient. Even when it costs you. The things you keep returning to despite obstacles often point to core values.

Look at your regrets. What do you wish you’d done differently? Regret often highlights values you neglected.

Look at your envy. Envy is uncomfortable, but it’s informative. You’re not envious of everything others have - just specific things. Those specific things tell you what you want.

The values hierarchy problem

Here’s the hard part: values conflict.

You value freedom and security. Adventure and stability. Independence and connection. Career and family.

When values conflict, you have to choose. And those choices reveal which values rank higher for you.

This is where most people get stuck. They want to honor all their values equally, so they never commit to any of them fully. They end up with a life that partially satisfies everything and fully satisfies nothing.

You can’t have it all. But you can be intentional about what you’re trading off.

Values change (and that’s okay)

The values you had at 20 might not be the values you have at 40. Life experience changes what matters to you.

Early career: Achievement, recognition, proving yourself
Later career: Impact, meaning, mentorship
Young adult: Freedom, exploration, experience
Older adult: Stability, depth, legacy

These shifts aren’t betrayals of your younger self. They’re growth. The goal isn’t to lock in values forever - it’s to know what your values are now and live accordingly.

A practical exercise

Write down what you think your top 5 values are.

Then look at how you spent the last month. Where did your time actually go?

Compare the lists.

The discrepancy isn’t something to feel guilty about. It’s something to get curious about. Either adjust your life to match your stated values, or update your stated values to reflect reality.

Both are valid. Pretending there’s no gap is not.

Living your values

Once you know your actual values (not the aspirational ones), the question becomes: is your life organized around them?

This doesn’t mean perfect alignment - life has constraints. But it means noticing when you’re chronically violating what matters to you, and taking that seriously.

A life misaligned with your values feels wrong even when it looks right from the outside. You can have the job, the relationship, the house - and still feel empty if none of it connects to what you actually care about.

Values aren’t rules to follow. They’re a compass. They don’t tell you exactly where to go, but they help you notice when you’re going the wrong direction.

Related: Identity (who you are), Decisions (choosing when values conflict), Meaning (creating a meaningful life)