Identity

“Who am I?”

It’s the kind of question that feels like it should have an answer. Like there’s a real you somewhere - maybe buried under years of expectations and compromises - and if you could just find it, everything would make sense.

This is a comforting idea. It’s also probably wrong.

The myth of the “true self”

We like to think there’s an authentic version of ourselves waiting to be discovered. The person we’d be if we weren’t influenced by parents, society, trauma, circumstance.

But you are all of those influences. You can’t extract a “pure” self from everything that shaped you, because there’s nothing left after you remove all that. You are the sum of your experiences, your reactions to those experiences, and your ongoing choices.

This isn’t depressing. It’s freeing. Because it means you’re not searching for something hidden - you’re building something in the open.

Identity isn’t found, it’s made

You become who you are through action, not introspection.

This is uncomfortable because it puts the responsibility on you. You can’t wait to “discover yourself” before making choices. The choices are how you discover yourself.

Every time you:

Choose what to spend time on
Decide what to say (or not say)
Pick what to prioritize when things conflict
React to setbacks

…you’re defining who you are. Identity is a verb, not a noun. It’s an ongoing process, not a destination.

The “should self” problem

Most identity confusion comes from the gap between who you are and who you think you should be.

The “should self” comes from:

Parents who wanted you to be a certain way
Culture that defines success narrowly
Peers who seem to have it figured out
Past versions of yourself who made plans you no longer want

The should self isn’t always wrong - sometimes it pushes you to grow. But when it’s based on other people’s expectations rather than your own values, following it feels hollow even when you succeed.

Signs you’re chasing a should self:

Achieving things feels empty
You can’t explain why you want what you want
Success makes you anxious instead of satisfied
You feel like you’re performing rather than living

Working with identity

Some practical approaches:

Notice, don’t judge. Pay attention to what you actually do, not what you think you should do. When do you lose track of time? What makes you angry? What do you avoid? These patterns tell you something.

Experiment. Try things. You can’t think your way to self-knowledge. Act, then observe what it reveals about you.

Accept inconsistency. You contain contradictions. You can be both introverted and crave connection. Ambitious and lazy. Caring and selfish. Trying to resolve these contradictions into a coherent “brand” usually means suppressing parts of yourself.

Update regularly. Who you are at 25 isn’t who you are at 35. Holding onto an old identity because you’ve invested in it leads to the sunk cost trap. Let yourself evolve.

The question isn’t “who am I?”

The better question is: “Who am I becoming, and is that who I want to become?”

This shifts identity from archaeology (digging up the past) to architecture (building the future). You stop looking for answers in your history and start making them through your actions.

You’re not lost because you don’t know who you are. You’re just in the middle of figuring it out - and that figuring out never really ends.

That’s not a problem. That’s life.

Related: Values (what actually matters to you), Impostor Syndrome (feeling like a fake), Comparison (measuring yourself against others)