Comparison
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” - Theodore Roosevelt
You know this is true. You still do it constantly.
You compare your career to your peers’. Your relationship to Instagram couples. Your body to influencers. Your life to the curated highlight reels everyone broadcasts.
And you lose. Almost every time.
Why we compare
Section titled “Why we compare”Comparison is built in. Humans evolved in small groups where relative status determined survival and reproduction. Your brain is wired to constantly assess where you stand.
In small tribes, this worked. You knew everyone. Comparison was to real people living real lives you could actually observe.
Now comparison is broken:
- You compare to millions of people instead of dozens
- You compare to curated performances, not real lives
- You compare across dimensions that don’t make sense (your behind-the-scenes to their highlight reel)
- Social media feeds comparison 24/7
The comparison instinct hasn’t changed. The comparison environment has become toxic.
The comparison trap
Section titled “The comparison trap”Comparison creates a no-win situation:
Upward comparison (to people “above” you): Makes you feel inadequate. No matter how well you’re doing, someone is doing better. There’s always someone richer, more successful, more attractive, more accomplished.
Downward comparison (to people “below” you): Provides temporary relief but doesn’t last. And it’s a fragile basis for self-worth.
The race has no finish line. There will always be someone ahead of you. Comparison ensures you can never be satisfied with where you are.
The lies comparison tells
Section titled “The lies comparison tells””They have it figured out”
Section titled “”They have it figured out””They don’t. Everyone is confused. Everyone has problems you can’t see. The put-together exterior hides interior mess.
The most successful people you admire have imposter syndrome, relationship struggles, health anxieties, existential doubts. You’re comparing your insides to their outsides.
”If I had what they have, I’d be happy”
Section titled “”If I had what they have, I’d be happy””You wouldn’t. Hedonic adaptation means you adjust to new circumstances. The thing you want so desperately becomes normal once you have it.
Lottery winners aren’t happier long-term. People who achieve their dreams often feel empty when they arrive. The wanting is often more pleasurable than the having.
”I’m behind”
Section titled “”I’m behind””Behind what? Whose timeline? There’s no universal schedule that says you should achieve X by age Y.
Humans develop at different rates. Some peak early, some late. Some never “peak” at all - they just live.
The race you think you’re losing is made up. It exists in your head, not in reality.
”Their success means my failure”
Section titled “”Their success means my failure””Most things aren’t zero-sum. Their success didn’t take anything from you. There’s room for multiple people to do well.
Someone else’s happiness doesn’t reduce yours. Someone else’s achievement doesn’t diminish yours. Comparison creates artificial scarcity.
Working with comparison
Section titled “Working with comparison”1. Notice when you’re doing it
Section titled “1. Notice when you’re doing it”Comparison is automatic. You can’t stop the initial comparison - but you can catch yourself doing it.
“I’m comparing again. This is comparison mind at work.”
Noticing creates distance. You’re no longer lost in the comparison - you’re observing it.
2. Compare to yourself
Section titled “2. Compare to yourself”The only fair comparison is you vs. past you.
Are you growing? Learning? Moving in a direction that matters to you? That’s all that counts.
Progress relative to yourself is measurable and meaningful. Progress relative to others is endless and arbitrary.
3. Remember what you’re not seeing
Section titled “3. Remember what you’re not seeing”Every person you compare yourself to has:
- Problems they’re hiding
- Luck you’re not accounting for
- Trade-offs you’re not aware of
- A history you don’t know
You’re seeing the output, not the full picture.
4. Curate your environment
Section titled “4. Curate your environment”If social media fuels your comparison, limit it. Unfollow accounts that make you feel inadequate. You’re in control of your information diet.
You don’t have to swim in comparison-toxic environments.
5. Define your own success
Section titled “5. Define your own success”What do YOU want? Not what society says you should want. Not what would impress others. What actually matters to you?
Success by your own definition can’t be stolen by someone else’s achievements. You’re not competing for the same thing.
6. Practice gratitude (really)
Section titled “6. Practice gratitude (really)”This sounds like platitude, but it works.
Comparison is wanting what others have. Gratitude is appreciating what you have.
Regular gratitude practice literally rewires your brain toward seeing abundance instead of lack.
Comparison vs. aspiration
Section titled “Comparison vs. aspiration”Comparison isn’t all bad. It can:
- Show you what’s possible
- Motivate improvement
- Help you learn from others
The distinction is between comparison that demotivates (“I’ll never be that good”) and aspiration that motivates (“I want to learn how they did that”).
Aspiration says: “They did it, so I might be able to too.” Comparison says: “They did it, so I’m a failure for not having done it.”
Same observation. Different framing.
The deeper question
Section titled “The deeper question”Why do you need to compare at all?
Usually it’s about proving worth - to yourself or others. “If I achieve enough, I’ll be good enough.”
But worth isn’t earned by achievement. You don’t have to justify your existence by outperforming others.
What if you’re already enough? What if there’s nothing to prove?
Comparison becomes unnecessary when you stop needing to rank yourself against others. That’s not resignation - it’s freedom.
Related: Identity (who you are beyond achievement), Values (defining your own success), Impostor Syndrome (never feeling good enough)